Smile, You’re on Camera

There was a time when I looked for signs from God. And there was a time when I found them.

And then there was a time of finding contradicting signs, or being at odds with those who also saw signs. And there was also a time of learning about confirmation bias, and gaslighting, and spiritual bypassing. And then there was a very long time of trying to debug the programing that taught me that signs were proof, and therefore a justification for abuse; that every thought in my head was caught on the immortal camera of judgment; that there was something out there carefully crafting a world of lies just to test me, and if I failed it would jump out and yell “GOTCHA!”

And then, there was a long time of not believing in signs, but still seeing them; like my tattoo artist in Berlin having a patch with an armadillo riding a bicycle printed on it; like getting ready to sell off all my camera equipment right before meeting a group of filmmakers looking to make a documentary about where I was living; like spending a half an hour in the dark trying to get a shot that wasn’t coming out right, and, just when I’m about to give up, looking up to see two stars perfectly placed above a sloping mountain range, resembling a giant smiling face.

There was a time when I would have thought, What are the odds? It’s a sign that God exists and I should fear happiness lest it lead me into temptation.

But I’m now in the time when I think, What are the odds? What are the odds that someone else loves armadillos and bicycles as much as I do? What are the odds that these filmmakers and I happen to love the exact same wilderness enough that we would both be here wishing we could share it with the world? What are the odds that I and the stars and the earth aligned right when I needed a good laugh? The odds aren’t good, but they’re not impossible either. What an unlikely moment! What a rare occurrence! I should fully appreciate it!

I should laugh.